Free

It has been a really crazy week and a half!! I definitely learned a lot during Holy Spirit week!! In my personal blog, I shared a couple stories and one of them is the story of Rapunzel and how I feel like I really relate with the story line. One of the things in the story...is how from the very beginning the "stepmother" could see that Rapunzel had a special gift and immense beauty and she knew that the only way she could have what Rapunzel had was with her permission so she did everything she could to trick Rapunzel into believing that she was safe and loved behind the walls of the tower. Well, along with that is something that I learned this last week: the devil isn't going to try as hard to stop the areas that God hasn't called you to. He's going to go for the very specific things that God has for you, and he is going to try to convince you that you'd never be good at that thing, or that you could never deserve that kind of love (whatever your personal story is). The thing God has called you to is going to be the thing that the devil attacks the most because he knows that if you discover that gift/dream, God can use you in big ways. There are different tactics to how the devil destroys your destiny, but he's not going to do it in an obvious way. If you knew that there was a full out lie being told to you, you wouldn't even think twice. But when you hear a half truth along with the lie...you get confused and it can sound really realistic and good. Anyway, during last week, I was prophesied over and although I knew I love to dance and other things...the thing that I was told God is possibly calling me to, is the very thing that I gave up on several years ago because I thought I didnt have what it took. The people that are meant to speak are going to be the ones that stutter (remember Moses). I guess I never realized that...I had honestly written these things off as being things that God didnt have for me. Wow have I been so deceived. When I started to uncover different truths in my life, God started revealing even more and I saw other areas in my life that I had been believing lies. I got to give my testimony this last week too, and it was one of the scariest things that I've done but the most freeing too. There have been other times  that I was asked to give my testimony, the last time being my baptism 3 years ago when I was 19. I  know that my testimony was good because it's not about the person giving the story, it's about the God that brought the story to life. But, there are things that I wish I would've shared that I didnt and I kind of regretted it ever since. And then with YWAM I was given that chance again. I promised God that I was going to just share whatever he led me to, and it was so good the way that I felt so much peace. I shared the places of deepest hurt, greatest embarrassment...and yet I was treated with love and acceptance. Something that I shared with people is that with all that happened in my life, I got to a point where I stopped thinking I was loved. People would tell me but then I would get the idea that it was just cause they had no choice. Without realizing it, I saw God that way too...where I knew that he loved me but I unconsciously thought that it was because he created me and was obligated to love me but that he wasn't actually IN love with me. It was a really sad realization but it really opened my eyes to see that it was a head knowledge but not a heart belief. It's really crazy and amazing how the very things that I wanted to work on before coming here are the very things that God is helping me with. When I was on the plane to come here, I knew that I was leaving my past behind...but I didnt really think that the areas I needed work on were going to be able to be brought to attention. Yet, since I've come here I've faced so many fears, I'm becoming more confident, and I'm learning how to accept love. The most important thing is that I really feel and believe in God's love for me. I know that I still have a little ways to go, but man I really feel that I've come a long way. God has become so personal to me and I know that he really does love me, and I'm able to say that and not blink. I'm able to look in the mirror now without cringing. I'm able to let people talk to me without always wondering whether or not they actually WANT to talk to me. I've been overcoming little things like fear of cockroaches, stairs, and even my fear of the ocean I'm not so afraid anymore. Weird huh??? There is so much love here and I really love that environment. You never really hear anyone putting someone else down that often...when I gave my testimony, I didnt feel judged and honestly that's a first for me cause in other places I would always get the eye even if people didnt say what they were thinking. I actually LIKE being different and weird and I honestly am learning not to let people's opinions get to me so much. With other updates, we found out that we're not only going to LA and South Africa, but now going to Vegas too! I found out that I'm doing a lot more acting then I originally thought I was going to be. I tried out for a solo which I never thought I would do...and I sang a song that my friends and I wrote...in front of a lot of people! It might sound weird, but I really think that I left a girl and its looking quite possible that I might be going home a woman. And honestly, that makes me a little teary eyed thinking about it cause I never expected this much healing and growth to come here but it is. God just loves me that much and every time I think about it, I'm in awe. I still dont really know how I'm doing with outreach funds...but I've seen such big love here. I had several friends pitching in to help me get enough and really...ahhh I'm so touched!! It's really scary to open up to people but I'm starting to think that maybe it's going to be ok, and really this is the best place for all these things God is working in my life, to take place. Something that I think I'm seeing, is that God really does want to use me for big things and although I dont get why because I dont feel that important, I feel totally humbled and just excited to be a part of His story. I might be leaving out a lot of things, so if you have any questions...please let me know!! If you feel led to give a donation for outreach, please talk to me!! I'm going to hopefully find out tomorrow whether or not I have enough to at least get my ticket..but I really think that I am really close!! Please be praying for me cause I feel like there might be a decision I have to make and I dont really know for sure yet whether or not it's even one that I need to make. I know that's really vague, but please pray for wisdom and that I will get clarity. I will update you guys after I know what God is leading me to do. Thank you all so much for the support!!